Today, my eldest walked into the kitchen to find me vigorously shaking the toaster over the sink. I sheepishly smiled like a child caught in a mischievous act! After explaining that my lighter broke and I had no alternative but to use the toaster to light my cigarette…I dropped my lit cigarette into the toaster, hence my vigorous shaking. I can’t imagine what I would say to one of my children if I found them doing something so ridiculous. Fire risk for a start, need I continue! I’ve been trying to stop smoking on and off for a year now..mainly off and depending on who I’m speaking with, my effort in can vary, from almost stopped, to, I really don’t give a sh1t, these things have kept me sane for the last three years- I’m adamant I’d of cost the NHS a whole lot more had I tried to give up before now! – looking at my daughters face, I couldn’t help but laugh…so…this is what it’s come to? This is life for a child ( adult officially ) living with a bereaved parent? Sometimes I have my sh1t together and feel pretty invincible, other days I’m vigorously shaking the toaster upside down oblivious to what day of the week it is?!